Comments on my lyrice please

[Me]

Hey, I was just looking for some opinions on my lyric writing abilities from people other than my friends

-One Solution

They scream you!
what good are eyes
when ther'es wool to pull you through
and you!
why use your voice
when all it can cause is feud

thats what your told
through subversive control
its time to wake up
and break out from their hold

-Theres only one solution
we need a revolution
whats our one solution?

how does it feel
to have darkness blind your eyes
thats why you can't see
they want us desensitised
no one to argue
no defying their lies
no rising up If you can't see a cause

-Theres only one solution
we need a revolution
whats our one solution?

---------------

-words from my side

Is it because I deplore you
or the fact that I ignore
you'r FORKED TONGUE
a monument to your vanity

A forced victim of your failing ego
cheap remarks you should
just LET GO
crossing the lines of sanity
I wish you could just understand me

my words have no currency
In your society
a spark of intelect
could bring your world to its knees

but you won't accept it
you don't understand it
your arrogant jury deems me
guilty
why am I guilty?

when did I ever hurt you
when did I stand on your toes
nobody knows?
does even heaven know?

is it because I'm getting by
things are close between
my FRIENDS AND I

is it because you suffer inside
locked in a life that you despise
you want to prove your better than me
so you break me down, break me down
BREAK ME DOWN

don't bear down on me, for who I am, please
we don't need any more nazis

I'm onto you
your state speaks louder than your arrogant insluts

--------------------

SHUT YOU'RE MOUTH!
and open up you're mind
stop bagging out what you don't understand
you never look to reason,
you'll never find another way
and if you don't like it just GO AWAY!

I Don't care
that you're a bitch to majority
and I Don't care
that you worry bout' identity
I Don't wanna hear
you're arrogant point of view

so raise your fists if you feel repressed
stand as one, have our views addresed
stand for all, stand as a team
wave our flag together
let em hear us scream.......

SHUT YOU'RE MOUTH!
and open up you're mind
stop bagging out what you don't understand
you never look to reason,
you'll never find another way
and if you don't like it just GO AWAY!

-----------

any opinions, pointer, critisicms would be cool thanx

[phatRedge]

not bad effort, but they sound pretty cliched. Its likea ll osngs are trying to convey the same themes, the same ideals

olne word of advice, dont use large words for the sake of using large words which seems the case in some parts of your songs, they dont usually add to the song and are usually there for the wank factor but often a simpler sinnonym of the word suffices

first song:
its not really telling enough, its like half a story it needs something to wrap it up,

i liked the first verses structure but was dissapointed not to see it in the second one. It could really have worked. I see it as sort of a Rise Against song with the "They Scream You" and "and you!" bieng like screams and stuff

i think the chorus needs to be larger, but thats only from reading it, it really depends hows its implemented musically. Im also not a fan of the "whats our one solution?" because its like youve just stated it, i know the effect your going for and it could probably work, but i can only comment on the lyric.

Song 2:
i liked this song the most of the three but i think it needs a chorus. somethign to bring it all together and catch the listeners atention. also the lyrics are, like all three songs a bit too straight to the point, like not as in telling the whole story, or whole views you wish to convey but as in, you dont use metaphores but rather just direct it at the listeners, or subjects you assume the listeners to identify with. the second person point of view is really hard to nail, and especially with the topics our writing off, they often are for lack of a better term try-hardish and i think your first two songs run a fine line and the third song crosses into this area.

There are some great lines in this and some bad ones. One i really liked was
"a spark of intelect
could bring your world to its knees"
very good, though one i found a little hypocritical was
"your arrogant jury deems me
guilty"
Throughout the song you are directing it at the subjects as if your on your high horse (i dont mean this to sound bad, its what its like and wouldnt convey half the power if it wasnt. It needs this and isnt a negative aspect just one) but calling them arrogant when your looking down on them by saying it. im not too sure correct me if im wrong but thats what it seemed like.

Song 3:
Im sorry but i have to say, this song sounds like one straight out of the album inserts to a Avril Lavinge album. It has a clear theme and tells it straight but i think that is the downside. This is clearly the poorer of the three and seems like theres so much teen angst coming through its just pretty try hardish.



I know its sounded like ive only had bad things to say but ive only relly commented on the things that needed improving and the things i thought i could help with. Not a bad effort by any stretch of the imagination

[phatRedge]

Hey copuld someone comment on mine as well, cheers

Futile:

A Loneliness creeps up unaware
Of the laughter confined within
As the darkness wades i make out
A figure becoming more visible

The arms always outstretched
But begin to move much slower
I look towards a grimacing sky
A montage mirroring my life

As i lay face down in a puddle of water
Survival my deepest and only friend
Emotions no longer conceivable
I ask myself will this be the end
Memories hidden behind bars
And for my own good thats where they'll stay
yet in the deepest crevice of my mind
They'll never ever fade away

Solitary Confinement
For a crime im yet to pay
All alone on the battlefield
Withering Away
Another day seems so futile
Another question left unanswered
Our Strength must hold True

Another Daylight, Sickenly Refreshing
Until my vision clearly adjusts
To call this hell would not justify
To find a reason would tear the brain apart

The numbness overcomes like a cold breeze
The pain constant unrelenting
A wounded angel has come to rescue
A victim of the same weapon

As i lay face down in a puddle of water
Survival my deepest and only friend
Emotions no longer conceivable
I ask myself will this be the end
Memories hidden behind bars
And for my own good thats where they'll stay
yet in the deepest crevice of my mind
They'll never ever fade away

Solitary Confinement
For a crime im yet to pay
All alone on the battlefield
Withering Away
Another day seems so futile
But what are we to do?
Another question left unanswered
Our Strength Must hold True

If it stops the horror is it so bad?
If it stops the pain should i hold it back?
If it quitens the screams should i shut it out?
If it heals the wound should i throw it away?

The Fight is with myself
The Fight is with myself
The Fight is with myself
The Fight is with myself

So young, so wrong
So delicate, so wrong
So vulnerable, so wrong
So young, so wrong

The Fight is with Myself

Solitary Confinement
For a crime im yet to pay
All alone on the battlefield
Withering Away
Another day seems so futile
But what are we to do?
Another question left unanswered
our Strength must hold true

---------------------------------------------------------------

Pumped up when your not:

Your jelousy is clouding your judgement
Your selfishness is losing you friends
Take a step back look at the bigger picture
Nothing good can come from these their only hurting you
If you open your mind and morals you'll see what i mean
Find it in yourself to rise above
You always look for the worst in people to pump yourself up
But i hate to say, your pumped up when your not

You need to realise
Your pumped up when your not
You need to open up your eyes
You need to Understand
That jelousy is a vice
You need to open your mind

When your jelous of something that a person possess'
Your jelous of the end product but not the preperation
A lot of hard work may have gone into the process
But your only concerned with the outcome
You hate it when someone only thinks about themselves
But you do it every minute of the day
Expecting everyone to follow your commands
But you dont realise, they have needs of their own

You need to realise
Your pumped up when your not
You need to open up your eyes
You need to Understand
That jelousy is a vice
You need to open your mind

Knock Knock, at the door
Its locked i cant come in
Ive tried to help
But cant find the key

I contemplate for a second
Should i use force
To barge my way in?
More Trouble than its worth

You need to realise
Your pumped up when your not
You need to open up your eyes
You need to Understand
That jelousy is a vice
You need to open your mind

[Me]

thanx for the comments, just needed an opinion on them by sumone other than my friends, with the cliche thing i guess it comes down to when u try to defy one thing u end up conforming to something else (rebelling to conformity?), basically i wanted to stay away from the girls and love theme that seems to be popular in 'punk' music today, i guess that leads to the 'other' cliche angsty hate everything, oh well, i guess the more u write lyrics the better u get at it (my earlier attempts where attrociouse).

Ur lyrics on the other hand sound cool, ill post a proper reply on them when i'v actually stop and try to interpret meaning, it's late, i'v been out all day, and i'm not in the mood to consentrate, but later i'll come back and read em properly.

[phatRedge]

yeh it is like that a lot, i too try and stay away from it, though im not going to not write a song just because other poeple are. If i have a burst of motivation ill write it, and then refine it. Futile is one of my more favourite ones, im happy with that, i think my second one needs a lot of work it. It shows what i want to say but not in a good enough/efficient enough way but meh, ill fix it one day, im not one for rushing lyrics otherwise they sound forced. I write lyrics over anywhere from a night to a month to more. Like ive had songs finished that at the time i was happy with, that 2 months later i would think needed refining and the cut up 3 songs and blend them into one.

but in the end i think it comes down to practice. Ive been writing lyrics for about a year and a half, probably longer and i still only write one decent one (in my opinion) for about 4 or 5 shit ones, that i dont bother finishing but save for if im writing something ismilar to get lines/inspiration from.

but i guess its worthless me writting lyrics cos i cant sing for shit, im jsut a guitarist

[Me]

yeah i like futile, i also don't mind the second one either, I find futile I bit harder to work out a single meaning, I find it to be more of one of those songs where each individual has to make meaning of it themselves, i like the chorus-ey bit with 'punished for a crime i'm yet to pay, all alone on the battlefield...' that sounds cool. The problem with writing lyrics is, sometimes you can write one hell of an awesome song lyrically, then u write some awesome music to acompany it, and then find you can't fit the the words it, thats the problem with really wordy songs, it can be hard to fit them to music, which sucks because you shouldnt have to limit yourself. OH well that isnt always the case. anyways nice songs, if i heard them in a song i would be impressed

[phatRedge]

cheers, futile is actually about depression using the analogy of a soldier in WWII

[phatRedge]

hey man i recorded futile with my acoustic yesterday. Just remember the vocals are jsut a guide on what a real singer would sing, i cant sing for fuck but i put them there to act as a guide to show the song in context of the song.

www.tripper-selected.net/futile.mp3

[punkrockandbeer]

i dug it man. Your voice isnt half bad either.

I can see some all-out screaming at about "the fight is with myself" if thats the kind of sound your going for.

If you get your pitch right, next time you may just recieve a touch-down from me.

[phatRedge]

haha cheers, im gonna cut a few bits out of that version, like the long interlude between the first chorus and the second verse and most of the bridge (from the fight is with myself onwards, it jsut dont fit) and hopefully cut it down a bit

[phatRedge]

me and my mate re recorded it. Hes singing this time and i cut out a lot of guitar work and some of the lsat verse

www.tripper-selected.net/futilepro.mp3